That Morning at Breakfast
Bee took a sip of his coffee, put his cup down, and turned to Octopus and said, “Octopus, I know you don’t read the Bible but let me tell you something I read the other day in the New Testament about meekness that I think you might find fascinating. I was reading about meekness because I had been listening to an NPR special on how smart we bees are and it got me to thinking about us beasts and how meek we are about our brilliance.”
Octopus looked up from his plate of scrambled squid and eggs and said, “Make it quick, Bee, the Bible is the most boring book every written, so I doubt that anything written in the Bible could possibly be fascinating, certainly to me. Maybe to you, but then one must keep in mind that your bar is pretty low.”
Whale, sitting at the far end of the table, falling asleep reading about the latest Republican antics in Congress in his copy of the New York Times, stared over his goggles and said, “Amen, Octopus. The Bible sucks. Hey, how clever am I? Get it? I just used the only word I know from the Bible: amen. And, in the process, I made a double intender. One of the meanings I used it to means that I agree with you, and the second meaning is from the Bible when God used it to end his famous prayer about himself.” He laughed uproariously at his cleverness.
“Listen, both of you, Bee buzzed. “Give me three seconds of your time and I don’t think you will be laughing.” Bee went on, “According to the third Beatitude, or blessing from the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, ‘Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.’”
“So, what does that have to do with us?” said Octopus and Whale simultaneously.
“Who was Jesus referring to when he mentioned ‘the meek?’ We’re all three beasts and everyone knows that we beasts are meek. Well, maybe not all beasts; I sting a lot and Killer Boy down there does his share of flipping seals and penguins around just for fun and before he eats them. I’m sure Jesus was referring to humans at the time he said it but now we all know better. Compared to human behavior these days, we beasts are big-time meek.”
“I agree, Bee,” said Whale. “Speaking for myself and my brothers Dolph, Porp, and Humpy, I’d say we like to make a waves now and then, and strut our stuff, but nothing like humans. Hey, get it? Make waves???” And again, Whale doubled over laughing at himself. Bee and Octopus just moaned.
“Could I make a suggestion?” Bee asked. “If Jesus meant what he said about the meek inheriting the Earth, I think we three, as self-appointed reps of all beasts, and because we are so damned smart and simultaneously meek, might have a chance to inherit the whole round enchilada, Earth, and Jesus just might blow off humans.” Now Bee laughed uproariously at himself. “Get it, Whale, blow off?” Octopus and Whale winced.
“I don’t get it,” said Whale.
“Your BLOW HOLE, idiot,” said Bee, as he rolled all five of his eyes.
“Between now and dinner tonight, let’s the three of us go out and try to find out if Jesus is only considering humans or could us beasts get a shot at running the show? He gave that mount sermon a coupla thousand years ago before he really got to know what humans can be like. AND, at the same time he’s had an opportunity over the millenia to see how smart and meek we beasts can be. Who knows, maybe he’s thinking differently.”
Octopus and Whale both started whining together, “Do we have to?”
Octopus said. “I’ve got an appointment to get my ink changed today.”
“Yeah, I have an appointment, too,” lied Whale. I have to get my teeth sharpened.”
“Just humor me this once,” said Bee. “It could be worth it. I’d love to push humans around a little like they have pushed us and maybe threaten to drive them to extinction if they don’t start shaping up and treating us a little nicer. When we come back for dinner tonight, we can discuss our findings. Who knows, maybe we’ll gather enough information to give us hope.”
That Day
Meanwhile, while those three were out doing their research, I did a little on my own. Keep in mind, I’m not just being humble when I say that I am not, nor ever have been a biblical scholar, so I needed to check the authenticity of that meekness Beatitude. To do so, I went to the King James Version of the Bible, the only version amongst what, billions of versions that rings a very faint and very distant bell with me. It definitely checked out, but in the process, I also learned that a massive debate has been raging for centuries as to what Jesus meant by the word, “meek.”
First, I read the Theology of Work website (theologyofwork.org) and got disgusted and thought about quitting my search because of what it said about meekness. I assumed the rest of the websites dealing with the meaning of meekness had to be equally as bad. Besides, I don’t need one hundred different theologists’ personal interpretation on what Jesus meant by meekness. According to the Theology of Work website, it said,
“The third Beatitude puzzles many people in the workplace, in part because they don’t understand what it means to be meek. Many assume the term means weak, tame, or deficient in courage. But the biblical understanding of meekness is power under control.”
I have two nagging issues with this interpretation. Nagging issue 1: are we to assume that it doesn’t really matter what happens to meekness after we leave or before we get to work? What about when we get home at night? Who knows what happens after we loosen our tie, toss the kids in the air, kiss the wife, and have our two martinis? We may go upstairs and put on our wife-beater T-shirts and turn into a domineering ogres? By loosening the tie wouldn’t that allow more blood to rush to the brain, providing more oxygen to our workplace-subdued egos? To add more fuel to the fire, after we pound 2 martinis wouldn’t that likely make us more boisterous, brash, and pushy? Certainly not meek! And the final straw, the wife beater T-shirts will definitely seal the coffin on any possibility of our being meek after work. Those T-shirts, especially if they’re crusty with sweat and stinkin because they have gone unwashed for a week. Everyone knows how sweat affects testosterone. Advice to kids and mom: go stay at Grandma’s house for the night. Daddy’s loose.
Nagging issue 2: did Jesus really mean that meekness can only occur when power is controlled? Let’s say that if you are a very powerful person either financially, politically, or physically, the three categories of power that come to my mind, but if you maintain control of that power, does that make you meek? Does that mean that Jeff Bezos, Mitch McConnell, and Dwayne Johnson, (a.k.a., The Rock), are all three meek people because they don’t use their version of power to control other people ALL of the time, but only when they really need to push others around? Would Jeff be able to fly to the Moon in his Rocket 88 several hundred times a year taking only filthy rich brats like himself who have nothing to do with their trillions than to experience weightlessness for 15 seconds, if he weren’t the wealthiest man in the world? Would Mitch be able to determine who the next president will be if he didn’t have a disgusting surplus of political clout that allows him to obstruct every proposal, regardless how good it is for the American people, that any Democratic president or Democratic Congressman ever put forth, just because he can? Just because hates Democrats, compromise, and bipartisanship? Would Dwayne the Rock suck it up and autograph a copy of his autobiography (if he had one) for David Duke or would he forget how much he can bench press, and use David Duke for a tent stake?
The second and only other website I consulted, Christianity.com, sounded way more authentic than the workplace one. Christianity.com defined meekness as, “A humble attitude that expresses itself in the patient endurance of offenses.” Now that makes sense. Humbleness, in my humble opinion, is the key.
Like Bee, I listened to the NPR special about his kind and how talented they are and all the amazing things they can do regarding communication, and how much people love them and have them for pets and take them for walks, and cry when they die. Coincidently, that special triggered my interest in meekness, too, just like Bee’s. To fuel that curiosity, awhile back I also watched the inbelievable award-winning documentary, “My Octopus Teacher,” about a wholesome (not what you might think) love affair between a sexually normal (I think) South African guy and an octopus and how much octopi, as invertebrates, can express pure emotion, attachment, and possibly even love, for another species, such as humans. Finally, last year I read, “Of Orcas and Men,” a fascinating book about the incredible intelligence of killer whales. Everyone already knows how sharp dolphins and the big whales like Humpbacks and Grays are, but killer whales? Not only are killer whales smart but they may be the smartest of the whole lot. They are so smart that there are no known records in the wild of orcas attacking and killing humans. Really? I guess it makes sense. Why would they want to? We’ve never harmed them or their bigger cousins. Right? Nahhhhh. Never. Hmmmmm……Maybe, perhaps, yeah, I think maybe we killed a few. Hmmmm, again.
Getting back Bee’s assignment, if Jesus had known what we all now know to be true and that is that bees, octopi, and killer whales are not only smarter than humans, but usually meeker unless they’re stinging some nasty kid or playing frisbee with penguins, would he rethink who he wills Earth to? Or would he stick with the likes of Jeff, Mitch, and Dwayne, the three “humble” representatives of our species?
To help Bee, Octopus, and Whale in their assignment we may need to feed Jesus a little more information about contemporary humans that he probably doesn’t know but that Bee, Octopus and Whale do know. Should Jesus know that humans may be the only species in Earth’s history that has a penchant for self-destruction? Not only that, should he know that includes destruction of everything else!
If that isn’t enough for Jesus to make his decision and if he needs even more evidence than an addiction to eradicate everything that is good and beautiful, we could also give him a small sampling of 21st century human behavior and our track record of bumbling and fumbling every major challenge we have currently been faced with. We could feed him some juicy tidbits regarding how we have been avoiding dealing with the huge issues that will determine Earth and our future: partisan politics, obstructionism of goodness, climate change, hurricanes, wildfires, racism, white supremacy, sexism, health care, infrastructure repairs, gun violence, pandemics, threats to our democracy, disregard for truth and real science and belief in voodoo science, greed for power and money, ad nauseum. Could Jesus make his decision after all that information sdand decide in favor of the beasts?
That Evening at Dinner
It’s dinner time at the home of Bee, Octopus and Whale. I’m again eavesdropping on their conversation and I think our research led to pretty much the same conclusions. Bee, taking a big spoonful from his bowl of honey, says to the other two, “Well, what did you find out? What do you think? Man or beast, what’s it gonna be?” he laughs raucously.
Octopus answers first, “Assuming Jesus really meant what he said that the meek shall inherit the Earth, and if we can believe that were he able to do it over again, he would change the third Beatitude to read, “Blessed are the TRULY meek AND THE INTELLIGENT for they shall inherit the Earth. Then I think he would go with the beasts.”
Whale added, “We beasts certainly have known for quite some time that humans have a dearth of meekness and intelligence, and now Jesus would know it. But, I’m thinking what should happen, probably won’t happen. Jesus should put Homo instabilis out to pasture. Don’t you just love it? Get it? Homo INSTABILIS! Man am I funny! Humans should be stripped of their duties. Now. Pronto! Emasculated. Sterilized. Made useless and impotent. They have failed in spades. Jesus should let the genuinely meek and genuinely intelligent us have a crack at taking care of Planet Earth. But, he won’t.
“So, what do you think will happen after that, Whale?” asks Bee, hesitantly.
“Oh, I think we beasts will inherit it eventually, but what will be left of us and our beautiful home won’t be worth inheriting. Actually, I don’t think Jesus can make that decision because he doesn’t really exist except in our minds. Jesus himself is meek, and what’s more, he doesn’t control the minds of humans. It should be obvious they control their own minds and the limits of their own power, and we know how successful they have been at that! They need self-imposed moral restraint and they are incapable of pulling it off. How else do you explain their penchant for globacide? That pretty well says it all; that pretty well covers the whole ball of wax, doesn’t it?
Octopus adds, “You know, there is more truth to what you said than I think you realize, Whale. Earth is like a ball of wax. Metaphorically speaking, it is melting, like wax. When something melts, like a candle, it physically changes and you can’t argue that the Earth and everything on it isn’t physically changing. The glaciers melt, the seas rise, the forests burn, the cities flood or blow away, the rivers dry up, the reefs die, the night is quieter, the day is hotter.” Octopus starts to weep. “As big a bastards as humans are,” he says. “I still love em’.”
“So do I,” said Bee. “I love making honey for them. And they treat me with kindness and compassion.”
“Me, too,” said Whale. “I love them, too. Otherwise, I would rip them and their dinky rubber boats to shreds with my sharper than razon sharp teeth. I’d flip them and play with them like I do penguins and laugh at their screams of terror. But I don’t. I can’t. I’d rather jump through hoops for them and snuggle up to them and let them pet me than to shred them like toilet paper. Which I could easily do. We all know that, right?”
“Right, right, Whale,” both Bee and Octopus say. Then they look away and very discretely roll their eyes.
“You know,” said Bee, “If humans really loved us as much as we love them, then I think we would have hope. Apparently, only with hope, comes change. Our meekness and intelligence obviously hasn’t impressed very many humans, so I’m not sure there is reason for us to have hope.”
“Amen,” said Octopus and Whale together. “Amen.”
